(original blog : http://blog.nogizaka46.com/rei.seimiya/2021/04/061283.php)
Hello.
This is Seimiya Rei.
I wonder what and how should I write...
The words might not be beautiful, but I'm just writing honestly my thoughts about myself and the others.
The other day, the Senbatsu for Nogizaka46 27th Single was announced.
Continuing from the last Single, I am chosen again as one of the Senbatsu.
Saying this might make people hate me, but I was actually really afraid to be chosen for the Senbatsu.
I was always digging my nails (to my own skin) whenever I show up in variety shows. Even though I franticly tried my best, I still failed on doing things right. I was also always one step behind the others during performances, no matter how hard I tried to catch up to them. I couldn't do anything right.
There are many other members who are better than me, so I'm feeling really sorry and embarrassed with myself to be in this position.
That's how it was for me during my activities for the 26th Single.
That's why, for the Senbatsu announcement this time, someone like me will certainly be dropped, and perhaps will never be chosen again for the second time. I tried to run away from reality to protect my own feelings with that thoughts in mind.
When my name was called, my head goes blank. Why? Why? Even though I was really bad at it, why me? I didn't feel happy or get excited at all.
After that, I was thinking things over and over.
Full with those thoughts in mind, every night I kept on crying until no more tears can come out.
However, there is one thing that I understood.
I'm very lacking in many aspects; Weak when under pressure and bad when it counts. Too proud of myself, yet also too easy on myself. There will be no end to it if I keep on writing the negative things about myself. But I realized I need to face what I've been trying to avoid this whole time.
Being able to reveal my own true self, knowing I'm such kind of a person, is somewhat helping me to get a grip.
What's remaining is how to correct and make those things better. I believe that's the key.
It's hard to change someone's behavior, but there's no limit to improve it.
Also, there is one more important thing that I realized.
I really love Nogizaka46.
I had fun the most whenever I'm together with the other members.
Being able to work together with the seniors really makes me happy.
I really-really-really love this job.
There sure are times when I'm full with negativity, but in the end I want to continue enjoying this job.
Also, I want to keep pursuing higher and higher goals.
I will not give up and keep on moving forward.
From now on ー whenever I'm in need of strength, facing a challenge, or hitting a wall ー the question is not about 「can or cannot」, but reather "How can I do it?". I will go on full speed with the thoughts on how to make it happen!
For the 27th Single, Kakki, Ayame, Mayutan, Seira, and Sakura as the center were chosen from the 4th-gen. I'm really proud and happy for them!
I hope that together we can support each other☺
With this Single, Matsumura-san will graduate.
It might be presumptuous for me to say this, but on the last Single we're positioned close to each other, and I had a lot of chances to talk with her. She's a senior that I really love.
She mentioned my name during interviews. I remember when I read it without knowing about it beforehand, I was just so happy that I hid in the company's breakroom alone and cried.
I will make the most of the remaining time I can spend together with her.
We smile when we feel happy about something!!
However, sometimes just by trying to smile, we can actually feel happy!!
(somewhat, it's kind of saying she's been trying hard to keep up her cheerful character, which to be frank can be really tiresome to do)
Raise up your cheekbones! Straighten up your back!
(tbh. I'm not sure if there is actually a Japanese proverb about raising up one's cheekbones (as in smiling), but that's just how she wrote it)
2021.4.20
Mantab!👍👍👍
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